And Then They Ate Ron
by fred the gnome
Summary: Randomness is fun. Harry and Ron get attacked by a number of inanimate or insentient objects. Oh, and Voldemort.


**I got bored. Enough said. I consider myself randomness personified. This is why.**

Harry's first day of his sixth year at Hogwarts had just begun.

He got out of bed. Right after he got out of bed, his once fluffy bed turned into a giant man-eating gnome.

"RAAAARGH!" it said loudly, and then it said "RAAAARGH!"

"Aren't you going to eat me?" Harry asked.

"I'm a _man_-eating gnome," said the man-eating gnome. "Duh." Then it ate Ron.

"AAAH," said Ron when he was being eaten by Harry's bed-turned-giant-man-eating-gnome.

Then Hermione appeared. "Hi Harry! What's that? Wait! Don't tell me! It's a giant man-eating gnome!" Proud of herself, she threw a book at Harry's head. Then suddenly a penguin with a camera dropped out of the ceiling. The penguin blinded Harry with the camera's flashbulb, then it ate Ron. "Wait, how did Ron get back here?" Harry asked in bewilderment.

"Why are you so annoying?" the author retorted.

"What? I'm confused," said Harry.

The author then retaliated by making a bunch of tapioca pudding rain down upon him. The tapioca pudding ate Ron.

"BUT WE'RE INSIDE!" Harry bellowed. "IT CAN'T RAIN! AND HOW DID RON GET BACK HERE?" For reasons unknown, more tapioca pudding came down. Then suddenly Lord Voldemort appeared. "I will take over the earth with my evil man-eating giant tweezers!" he shouted happily.

"AAAH IT'S LORD VOLDEMORT!" shouted Ron, who was back again.

"MY BRAIN HURTS!" said Harry, whose head exploded. Then his head ate Ron.

"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?" shouted Hermione. Then she threw a book at Lord Voldemort. He turned around and said, "ATTACK, TWEEZERS!" They did. After they had plucked Hermione to death, they ate Ron. Then Voldemort proudly announced, "And my name is no longer Voldemort, it is now Madonna!"

Everyone stared at him in amazement, even the swarm of chipmunks that had just arrived. They all smelled of elderberries.

"What?" Madonna said. "Can't a guy have heroes?" Then he ate Ron. So did the chipmunks.

Then Harry came riding up on a huge oozy blob of wine-flavored jelly. He said, "GOOD SHALL PREVAIL! AND SO SHALL MY PANTS!" Then his pants ate Ron.

"WHY DOES RON KEEP GETTING EATEN?" Harry screamed. Loudly.

"Because you're annoying," the author answered. Duh.

"What —" Harry yelled. "THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

Then he ate Ron.

"WHAT? NO I DIDN'T!" he screamed as he stuffed his face with Ron and marmalade. "STOP MAKING ME EAT RON!"

Then the marmalade ate Ron.

The Fred and George showed up, and they ate Ron.

Then they started doing the disco. Everyone else followed, and a bunch of lights focused on Madonna, who started to sing Michael Jackson songs.

Everyone stared at Madonna when he started to sing Michael Jackson songs. "What?" he asked. "Can't a guy have heroes?" Then he started trying to kill Harry. "HA HA HA!" shouted Madonna. "THIS WAS ALL PART OF MY PLAN TO KILL YOU! BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING! ALSO YOU ALWAYS EAT RON!"

"NO I DON'T!" Harry shouted. "THAT'S NOT MY FAULT! THE AUTHOR'S ON DRUGS, I THINK!" Then he ate Ron. "NO I _DIDN'T!" _Yes he did.

Then Christina Aguilera showed up, and she turned into a man and ate Ron.

Then the author jumped into the story and ate everyone. Except Ron.

"Phew," said Ron. "I really appreciate that you didn't — AH!" and he never got to finish his sentence because the author ate Ron.

Then everyone walked back into the room. Everyone consisted of Ron, Harry, Hermione, Madonna, chipmunks, marmalade, Fred, George, giant man-eating gnomes, tweezers of death, Christina Aguilera, and an easily offended Latino man.

Yoda and his green flip-flops decided that this would be a good time to tell everyone about their engagement. They came into the room and ate Ron, then proceeded to tell everyone about their engagement. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione yelled at the flip-flop. "YOU TOLD ME WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! AND THEN YOU GO AND HOOK UP WITH THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS — THIS —"

"HERMIONE! JUST SAY IT ALREADY!" Harry yelled impatiently. Then he ate Ron. "NO I DID _NOT! _STOP MAKING ME EAT RON, YOU PSYCHOPATH!" he shouted to the author.

"THIS — THIS _GREEN TRASH!"_ shouted Hermione, and then she began sobbing. Her tears were made of lemonade and were secreted through the pores on her left arm.

"HEY! I RESENT THE GREEN TRASH STATEMENT!" said a moldy Latino man. Then he ate Ron.

Then Ron ate himself in a moving and desperate protest against eating him.

And that was the end of chapter one.

**Sugar high… hehe I wrote that in like ten minutes**


End file.
